“In this fall I’m going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat.” With this awfully constructed sentence, LeBron James forever cemented his place in the long and tragic history of Cleveland sports. What’s more, in one fell swoop, he instantly became the most polarizing athlete on the planet, outpacing the nymphomaniac Tiger Woods.

Hailing from Cleveland, I know many people that would say something along the lines of: “It’s not that he decided to leave Cleveland. It’s the way he did it.” To be sure, “The Decision” was a supreme illustration of the profound self-absorption of the modern athlete. Why make us all listen to the serpentine, sycophantic Jim Gray vomit out canned questions for so long before announcing you’d be going to South Beach, LeBron? Ok, so “The Decision” was obnoxious, fatuous, and demonstrated LeBron’s profound lack of self-awareness.

Nonetheless, this whole the way he did it sentiment is plain bullshit. The reason that I despise LeBron is because he left Cleveland. He is a traitor. Not only do I simply hope that LeBron doesn’t win, I pine to watch spectacular failures on his part. For this, I can thank LeBron, because he has provided me with ample moments to revel in his pure, unadulterated cowardice.

Coming out of St. Vincent – St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, LeBron was the closest thing there was to a “sure thing” one could imagine. Frankly, I don’t even think Magic or Bird, and certainly not Jordan or Kobe, were as highly regarded before their respective drafts. At 6’8 and 250 pounds—some speculate that LeBron may weigh closer to 260 or 270—there can be no doubt that we have never seen a player quite as physically gifted. It’s almost as though he was forged in some blast furnace in James Naismith’s basement. Watching him on the fast break is exhilarating, if not slightly repetitive. I just always feel like I know what’s going to happen: LeBron is either going to throw down as hard and as ferocious as a lion sinking its jaws into gazelle or he is going to get fouled by some lesser than weakling, muscle through it and produce another “and 1.” It is amazing to watch him powerfully glide across the hardwood and rise off the court with an effortlessness, recklessness, and strength that is unparalleled.

Since coming into the NBA in 2003, his game has developed at a rapid rate. With the glaring exception of his ineffectual post-game, he has all the skills of a basketball cyborg. I’ve already mentioned his ungodly abilities in transition. This has been augmented by joining up with Dwayne Wade, who is built like James but lacks his height. All of the talk immediately after the decision questioned how these two could co-exist and who would be Batman and who would be Robin.

The truth is, and this particularly evident on a James/Wade led fast break, they are both Batman. Which reminds me, the Heat’s other big acquisition in the summer of 2010, Chris Bosh, plays the role of Bruce Wayne/Batman’s butler Alfred. An important component of Batman’s team on first glance, but when you think about it, if Alfred died, would it really matter much? Batman would still be tough as nails. I know this comparison is stretching the limits a bit, we all know that Alfred (particularly in his Michael Caine iteration) could go to the rack harder than Bosh.

The larger point here is that LeBron has all the requisite skills one could imagine. He handles the ball like a point guard, has a consistent jump shot, is arguably the best defensive player in the league, has the court vision of Magic Johnson and the acrobatic panache of Dr. J. The guy is just a freak. Yet, it just seems that he can’t get over the hump and come through in the clutch. With all that immense physical talent, he is notably lacking in mental fortitude and self-awareness. Not to mention, the guy seems to just assume that it is axiomatic that he should be loved and praised by all. This is what makes him such an insufferable coward.