The Five Worst Women Of 2011
On December 31, 2011, 6:45 PM by Savannah Cox
From Kim Kardashian to Barbara Walters, the five most frightful women of 2011.
The Kardashian Klan (Mainly Kim)
Never has the letter ‘K’ been less appealing: the women of the Kardashian family consist of Kourtney, Kris, Kim, and Khloe, their published prose is kalled “Kardashian Konfidential,” and their Sears clothing is naturally dubbed the “Kardashian Kollection.” Vain, vapid, and exuding only self-congratulatory praise and grotesque amounts of wealth, clips of this family’s show should be played to galvanize impressionable youth at Al-Qaeda training camps.
While international protest movements inspired many to involve themselves more directly in political dialogue this year, the Kardashian family somehow managed to make millions of Americans actually believe they were worth “keeping up with” as well. As such, Kim Kardashian (now known for her marriage that lasted as long a loaf of bread does in a freezer) is reported to receive up to $10,000 from her sponsors for whatever mindless dross she tweets to her equally inane followers.
No, they wouldn’t have all of this acclaim without a reason: they’re “actresses” and enterprising businesswomen who catapulted themselves to tabloid fame with the leak of Kim’s sex tape, the 21st century substitute for talent and ingenuity. Nevertheless, Kim manages to give back for all of her newfound fame: shedding her business suit for sheet music, Kim recently released a single entitled “Jam (Turn It Up)” whose proceeds (or actually, just half of them) would go to the latest Kardashian Kause: cancer research. However, described by critics as “dead brained and generic,” it seems that Kardashian would have been much more charitable to everyone, cancer-ridden or not, had she kept her mouth klosed and just donated her own money to the foundation directly.
Never you mind the eyes that may make you ponder hyperthyroidism or the grating Midwestern accent, the reason why Michele Bachmann is so incredibly terrifying is because she is a toxic combination of the most ignorant and biggest liars present in the political scene today. And what’s worse—people actually listen to her. Not even winning a single primary election yet, her false claims about the dangers of the HPV vaccine set the vaccine (favored and deemed safe to use by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention) back around three years. And when dealing with potentially fatal illnesses, that delay is something that many AAP members say they can’t afford.
What’s more, Bachmann’s own primordial religious views and subsequent intercultural intolerance rival those of the radical extremists against whom she so publicly discriminates. Singling out minorities as only her personal Savior would do, Bachmann views homosexuality as a disorder and “personal enslavement.” As for as Islam, despite its heterogeneous nature and diverse schools of thought, she callously dismisses it as wholly bad and something that should be dealt with much like “the seditious ideology of Communism.” Red scare? More like Michele scare.
The Mothers on TLC’S “Toddlers and Tiaras”
A common theme in the American canon, once you discover something that can bring you any kind of joy or success, you must not savor it but rather exploit it at any and all costs. And if it’s not necessarily the American way, it is certainly the TLC way. The network makes no exception for little girls across the country, or at least for those that have the unlucky fate of being spawned from the wombs of women so deranged that they believe dressing a 5-year old as the prostitute protagonist from “Pretty Woman” is age appropriate.
Often leaving the inquisitive viewer to ponder in which level of Dante’s Inferno she will reside upon her overdue death, the mothers on “Toddlers and Tiaras” are in a league of their own. They shave the legs of their six-year-old girls, conceal gapped teeth with veneers and spray their girls’ skin baby shit orange. And in some of the more dire cases, they pad their tots’ hot pink cat suits with fake breasts and buttocks in a cheap attempt to channel Dolly Parton, whose own implants could survive a nuclear holocaust. But what these mothers pad the most is the ego of these poor little girls, who are fated to be the nasty byproduct of some miserable mother’s pathetic and parasitic attempt to rekindle her long-lost youth.
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